literature

Evalin's Remorse

Deviation Actions

LaBelleSouffrance's avatar
Published:
376 Views

Literature Text

As Evalin sat staring off into the distance the tears started flowing. She yearned to see the family she had left behind. Becoming a mermaid had been her dream, and she loved her new life. If only she could have at least told her family good bye one last time she could have been at peace with her new life. Instead, Evalin was destined to forever have that part of her life haunt her until she filled the whole it had left in her heart.
I've finally written the vignette for the request done for me by WaterSkies

The deviation this is in reference to is waterskies.deviantart.com/art/…
© 2017 - 2024 LaBelleSouffrance
Comments4
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
NebulaDreams's avatar
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

Seeing how this is so short, it's hard to know what you wanted to achieve with this. It accommodates the artwork it's referencing fairly enough, but on it's own, it stands as an incomplete idea rather than a proper story, which doesn't make for a particularly impactful piece.

LadyTroodon pointed out that the narrative is only told in summary mode, which I agree with. If you want something as short as this to resonate with the reader, you need to leave a bit more to the imagination. You could improve your prose immensely by adding more specific, concrete description of the mermaid's past life. Maybe with scenes of the family she left behind, or past experiences she had that led to her wanting to become a mermaid.

Even if they're one sentence snippets, something like 'From afar, she looked upon the coves where she and her sister used to go rockpooling' gets the point across more effectively than 'She yearned to see the family she had left behind'.